Its been just over 2 months since my last post where I was marveling at how much has changed in such a short period of time. Here I sit a little over two months later having accomplished so many of my goals that I am coming up with new ones. When last I posted I had paid off my traffic warrants and gotten a new job. Well that job fell through and I immediately got another one. My boss was cool enough to pick me up and drop me off for 3 weeks after which I bought a car. Not just any car – a beautiful 2014 Audi A4 S. I love it. I’m proud of myself. Having a car again has helped me feel more independent. I don’t have to rely on anyone anymore.
I am currently an assistant project manager on a $24 Million elementary school. I love my job. I love being back at work full time. Having a steady paycheck is great but working again has done wonders for my self-confidence. I had always been self-sufficient – even the major bread winner in my marriage – and being dependent on others killed my self-esteem. I feel whole again. Even though its not true, not being able to generate much income made me feel worthless.
Today I signed a lease on my new apartment that I will be moving into on October 30th. It feels amazing to have my own place again. Little by little I am getting my life back together. Unfortunately, with all the good positive changes in my life, I have had my heart broken. The love of my life, Brian Oliver, takes me for granted and doesn’t see how inconsiderate he is. His business is barely keeping afloat, his truck keeps breaking down, he’s been selling all his assets to keep up with bills and even borrowed from friends. He’s a hot mess. His laundry is all over the place, his house is a pig sty, he is always late for everything and is a total stoner. He admits that he should stop smoking weed but unfortunately keeps being the loser that he is.
I have decided that he is unhealthy for me as much as I love him. I think I can move on. I think I will be just fine without him. I have to think that way. I have been able to put my life back together through positive thinking and hard work. How can I continue to let this man bring me down and hurt my soul? Everything I’ve accomplished in the past few months was because I thought I could do it. If I just tell myself that I can – then I can. I am one of the most determined people I know. I can set my sights on any goal and accomplish it. Why has everything except letting go of this man been easy? I know my worth. I know I deserve better. Why can’t I let him go? I can. I think I can. I have been able to do so much this past year and I need to do this. So like the little engine that could I keep telling myself – I think I can. I will move on. I will let go. I think I can…..